Teaching ... myself

All things die OK, well all things definitely change and I hate change. Change is like death. What is known is gone but not forgotten like death. What is coming is not known like life. Here we are in the middle of it all not dying not living hating change.

She walks on the beach at night some nights Hard sand Dark cool Tide flows in Deafening roar Beckoning Turn around. I am here just below the surface So peaceful So quiet.

Just writing to remember this. I don't usually wax poetic about riding a motorcycle - its always kind of been my way of getting around on good gas mileage. But I do love it and after moving 10 miles up a deserted gorgeous winding road, I love it more. This morning, the road was dry and it wasn't too cold, and that big ol' full moon was just right there. I left early because Es woke up early and I couldn't get back to sleep - so it was pitch dark and glorious. Blasted a great playlist and watched the moon weave back and forth in front of me through the trees. Singing at the top of my lungs, cold wind in my face, leaning around curves. Expansive. I love that feeling. I lose it too often.

Bette Davis Eyes comes on the radio as I am driving my two daughters back from picking berries. Esme has black raspberry all over her face but its just wonderful. The sun, the air, the dad time with his two daughters (the other one is backpacking with mom)... it was one of those moments where one loses oneself and becomes air and sun and music. I love those moments... I feel fully alive in those moments. Its all probably biochemical, but that's ok. Life and consciousness is overrated, I think. I know, PA....THETIC! (however, it was the grammy winning song and album of the year - 82 and ranks 15 on Billboard's top 100 - so, there) I can't help my crap taste in music and I simply claim it. I can't do much but be the person I am. Sure, its embarrassing.. but what isn't in this world?  Duran Duran Hungry Like the Wolf came on after and I almost cried :) So my oldest daughter is on the trail tonight with my wife. I dropped them off at Grayson Highlands and they are w...

I am finally done. Grant done. Greenhouse done. Time to take a breath.

2 days. 2 days and I am done. I have been running... ragged, mostly. I have not had time to face my life in years. In 2 days, we turn in our freaking $10 million grant and I will have our greenhouse... and therefore, our house, done. I am going to relax, I am going to fish, I am going to ride my bike, I am going to love, I am going to heal, I am going to say goodbye to my past and open a new chapter in my life. I will open this school, I will change jobs yet again, and I will find my balance and my pace. I have tried so hard these last years - but its been isometric. Its time to walk around the wall I have been pushing on and move forward again. I cannot fix my past, but I can come to terms with it and leave it the hell behind. Perhaps I will even leave this blog, my diary of sorts, behind for awhile. Maybe not. However, for now, its goodbye.