Teaching ... myself

All the classics at the Christmas Eve service tonight.  I'm Lutheran again.  I find a lot of comfort in the liturgy now that I have no guilt disregarding what others say about the eternal.  The playlist was nice and as it should be in a rock church by the creek: Hark the Herald Angels Sing Angels We Have Heard On High Little Town of Bethlehem O Come All Ye Faithful Silent Night Joy to the World We sang Silent Night with candles lit.  By the time we got to Joy to the World, I had dripped wax in the hymnal. Christmas was a muddy mess here this year.  The river is as high as I have ever seen, springs have erupted under the main road and have made their way across our drive to our yard.  I diverted them before they got to a rabbit den we have with babies in it.   (time passes and today becomes yesterday) Well, I crashed before I could finish.  I was going to wax nostaligic and invoke some reflection for auld lang syne,...

A day to remember.  Though all days are even when they are not. Today I tackled a few jobs that I put off for a year and a half because I … well, I don’t exactly know except I thought they would be big projects and so I didn’t want to face them.  One was the burn pile… the burn pile that contained trees from the first burn pile a couple of years ago when we bulldozed the buildings here … trees that didn’t burn the first time.  The other project was cutting up the I-beams from the mobile home we demolished.  That metal has been an eyesore for so long and now its all done.  We made a huge inroad away from “junkyard” and toward “pasture”.  It took all day and I am pretty exhausted, but the splinter in my brain has been removed and the relief is pretty sweet. As an added bonus, I sat in the dark with two of my kids at two different times and we just talked.  Esme and I got to talk about 6 year old stuff and I got to be present and hold her in the ...

Ah, Halloween has come and gone again.  We went to our little community center for the first time for the Halloween party.  Adia and Zoe both won 1st prize in their age groups... granted, Zoe was all alone and Adia only had 2 competitors:)  We met new folks in the area and that was really encouraging.  Overall, very nice.  Halloween night we went down to Glade and the town square was hoppin'.  Maw Maw took them around town square while Ash and I went to the brewery and had a beer with the usual crowd.  Tim's nephew fired up the smoker and put some amazing meat out on the bar.  It was pretty sweet to be sipping on local beer and nibbling on amazing BBQ in Glade while tons of folks trick-or-treated outside.  Once we got back, I took the two young ones out again in the dark to go down our old road. We talked to the neighbors and bounced from house to house.  At the end of the road we went up and over the sledding hill and down the pasture t...

An Alzheimer's brain makes one wonder About what and who we really are What I mean is that I consider myself still me If I lose a finger  Or a leg Or a my sight But if I could I would not consider myself me If my brain dissolved to the point where  I forgot me or forgot you. So am I just adaptive? Am I just something my mind has made up? Is the me I know just a figment of my imagination? A deadly weapon for a naked primate? Would tragedies exist  If no one remembered how to wail and mourn? That being said, it makes me wonder  What am I? Do I really exist? Am I just emotions masquerading as basic need? Can a human act on something other than emotion? Is any decision besides when to piss Or shit Or what to pull out of the fridge At 2am Is any decision besides these  Anything but emotion? A frontal lobe concoction? Do I exist? Do y...

What stirs me from the dark tonight? Some phantom, perhaps Or a hunger gnawing on my spine My eyes long for rest As I stare into the hearth-fire of my ancestors My mind registers only the rythmic flickering But it's my ears that listen... For It It that will be there when the flame dies It that will be there when eyes close It that no longer leaves claw marks on this sterile ground Yet still hunts at night Demanding my ears to listen to the unnatural silence Waiting, waiting yet no longer caring  for that one  twig  to  snap

don't you dare think I've forgotten things I've said and done promises I have broken and the distance all have run from a shining little star to a glimmer in a pond fishtails shimmer in my eyes the come undone is done moon she glides across the night  my sole grips heavens dirt she smiles upon the thieves in pain and rips my favorite shirt her calm chaotic steady stare her presence ever there she shines below the treeline when the worlds weight she bears so my life is not my own but I live inside it too I am the sun I've always sought when the moon's in view I am the light on full moon night (although I thought that that was you) But I am you.  I'm still the one. and we are still the few. but it's not night, there is no sun. it seems our evening's day is dawn your fishtails shimmer in my eyes The come undone is done.

We made it to Duke Marine Lab.  The drive was typical... long, hot, and sweaty.  But no one threw up, so that is a plus.  Once we left AHS parking lot, my eyes suddenly got really heavy and I wondered if it was because for the first time in many months I was somewhat done.  I couldn't work on the house, I couldn't worry about the trip, I couldn't even work on school stuff. We took two buses and a van.  63 persons.  We made it here in time for dinner (10 hr ride) and then headed out to the coast for a night beach walk.  The ghost crabs were out and we had a great time walking through the surf and chasing those crabs like chickens.  This group is rather amazing.  Just filled to the brim with wonderful people.  People that I am grateful to have known, even if only for a week.  People that I will miss. The next day we went to Beaufort and did the historical stuff - then to Carrot Island in the afternoon.  The water was wonderfu...