Teaching ... myself

We rented a skid-steer and removed the remains of the demolished house that has blighted this land for a long time.  We damn near killed ourselves but it was almost cathartic.  I was exhausted all week from our spring "break".  We also are getting ready for the high tunnel and have done some fun cutting of trees.  The video was done before the grading... thats too bad.  But its looking better now. This week, Esme wanted to fish so I bought her a pole and some tackle and she, Adia, and I started fishing.  I have been wanting to find some balance and I think I did.  Yesterday I caught my first fish ever on a fly rod and it was like the day I had been waiting for for years - the day that I would find myself eating a meal that I had provided for myself.  Seems simple and it is and was - but it was a milestone that passes like a live well lived... unexpectedly.  Tonight the 3 of us went out before dinner and made our way downriver.  Esme ca...

Almost midnight, the Karate Kid is playing in the background.  My shoulder hurts like hell and wrecks my sleep most nights.  I just took 3 advil and came out to the couch to try to sleep.  Daniel-san has the same problem.  He is just now paint-a-fence.  Both side.  His shoulder gets destroyed too, but thankfully Mr. Miyagi is about to do the hand-clap shoulder fix.  If only... I love how these kids looked like high school kids.  Not some 30 year-olds faking it.  Not to mention that the sport of choice was soccer.  The wisdom of the 80's.  If I don't get tired soon, I am going to have to break out the big guns.... St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, Dirty Dancing, and as a last resort, Pretty Woman.  Well color me happy, there's a sofa here for two. I keep finding myself torn.  Part of me wants to just relax and fade into the background and just be.  To take time for myself and learn to fish and grow a great garde...

You told me once that it was hopeless that life was the way it was You are never here and I am too you said that its.... just because Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You taught the masses everywhere but I never understood those words you said I'm sorry.   It doesn't matter now. I can't forget your eyes that night and the way you hang your head Life goes on and prophet saviors die but in the end we all retire... to our own bed Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You taught the masses everywhere but I never understood those words you said I'm sorry.   It doesn't matter now. If time would ever forget to fly you'd slow your car but still drive by Warm hands would touch my cold blue lips and you would know the way I died... without you Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You ...

I cannot help but be proud of my kiddos.  Gawd, I love them.  We had a lot of snow days but only used this last one to get in our once-a-year ski trip in.  Esme seems to really love it and perhaps it will be something we will do together.  She might shred.  Either way, it is always just rather wonderful to have this yearly yardstick to have time throw its fish right in my face and to show me that no matter how hard I squeeze, I can't hold onto my children's childhoods.

Its a small thing, but a long time coming. Tonight I finally made a loaf of bread.  I have made lots of bread in the past, but this one was special.  I learned to keep a sourdough starter and take care of it, the starter came from the wonderful woman that we bought our cow from, I found a way to fit the process into my life and not vice versa, and I baked it in a wood cook stove using heat from a cherry tree that I knew.  It was extra sour and made with white flour, but it was still just right.  I even washed it down with a cold glass of milk from our new cow, Sissy. What an amazing life.  A few years ago on this very day, I knew true despair and hopelessness.  I still remember how the snow was a beautiful new armageddon laying over the world.  I still bear scars from that time, but they don't bleed anymore.  At the time I wondered if I would ever live again and now I wonder if I ever did before. I just turned 43 years old the oth...

All the classics at the Christmas Eve service tonight.  I'm Lutheran again.  I find a lot of comfort in the liturgy now that I have no guilt disregarding what others say about the eternal.  The playlist was nice and as it should be in a rock church by the creek: Hark the Herald Angels Sing Angels We Have Heard On High Little Town of Bethlehem O Come All Ye Faithful Silent Night Joy to the World We sang Silent Night with candles lit.  By the time we got to Joy to the World, I had dripped wax in the hymnal. Christmas was a muddy mess here this year.  The river is as high as I have ever seen, springs have erupted under the main road and have made their way across our drive to our yard.  I diverted them before they got to a rabbit den we have with babies in it.   (time passes and today becomes yesterday) Well, I crashed before I could finish.  I was going to wax nostaligic and invoke some reflection for auld lang syne,...

A day to remember.  Though all days are even when they are not. Today I tackled a few jobs that I put off for a year and a half because I … well, I don’t exactly know except I thought they would be big projects and so I didn’t want to face them.  One was the burn pile… the burn pile that contained trees from the first burn pile a couple of years ago when we bulldozed the buildings here … trees that didn’t burn the first time.  The other project was cutting up the I-beams from the mobile home we demolished.  That metal has been an eyesore for so long and now its all done.  We made a huge inroad away from “junkyard” and toward “pasture”.  It took all day and I am pretty exhausted, but the splinter in my brain has been removed and the relief is pretty sweet. As an added bonus, I sat in the dark with two of my kids at two different times and we just talked.  Esme and I got to talk about 6 year old stuff and I got to be present and hold her in the ...