Monday, December 24, 2012

Pendulum swingin

Got to love blogger.... with FB around, a blog is like the private journal - where one can work out their junk or muse on life and it doesn't go on some timeline. So its Christmas Eve - and I have spent most of the year too busy... so that just about everything suffers a bit. I used to do fewer things barely well enough... now I do a whole lot more things barely well enough - which I accomplished by eliminating any selfish time spent on my health. For the past half-year, I really just forgot the lesson of Triabetes... essentially that I have to take care of myself and give it the priority that I give much of the other stuff in my life. I have started running again. I'm not knocking it out or anything, but I do find myself occasionally really really happy while plodding along some dark street. And that is a good thing. I'm also going through some bizarre period of massive change in my brain. As I close in on 20 again, I feel like I am finally fixing some stuff in me that has plagued me since before I turned 20 for the first time. I am starting to be more honest with myself and with others. I still am a smiling pleaser, but I feel like I am becoming more accepting of others ... rather than just more tolerant. Its a small step for man...but a giant leap for me. All this change comes with a price, however. I don't sleep well... I haven't slept past 4am in a really long time - no matter how tired I am or how bad I want to just sleep. I feel like I am continually coming to terms with the impossibilities of life. I will feel like I get a handle on it, then 4am rolls around again. Oh, well. Philosophically, I feel like I am still dancing with the universe and that I am progressing... if that is the right word... but sometimes I wish the universe would sit out for one song at least. I could use a breather. My children are doing great and are growing up so fast... and there are so many moments in my life that I wish could last forever, but they just keep rolling by. I am so happy to have these moments, and then they roll away only to be replaced by more perfection. Its truly joyful, but there is a hint of sadness as those moments roll by. There must be a word that expresses this, but I don't know it. I feel the same thing with people that I am connected to... that there will never be enough time to really spend with those souls... I know I will never get to that point where I'll be satisfied that I've spent enough time with them... and so what time I do have, I spend with my kids. Which means I end up neglecting a lot of other souls that are important to me. Perhaps being tugged and torn is what it means to be human? Lets hope that quantum theory is true on a large scale.. and that every possibility does indeed exist.. and that in other universes I am all those things I am not here in this one. I've got the perfect life - but having the perfect life is like watching your kids grow up... its a wonderful process, but it progresses... and every wonderful "now" inevitably and relentlessly becomes a wonderful "then". My god, I just wrote my version of "A Pirate Looks at Forty". Well, thanks for listening, blogger... apparently I have held words in too long most of my life and now I must vomit them out before they poison me.