A day to remember. Though all days are even when they are not.
Today I tackled a few jobs that I put off for a year and a half because I … well, I don’t exactly know except I thought they would be big projects and so I didn’t want to face them. One was the burn pile… the burn pile that contained trees from the first burn pile a couple of years ago when we bulldozed the buildings here … trees that didn’t burn the first time. The other project was cutting up the I-beams from the mobile home we demolished. That metal has been an eyesore for so long and now its all done. We made a huge inroad away from “junkyard” and toward “pasture”. It took all day and I am pretty exhausted, but the splinter in my brain has been removed and the relief is pretty sweet.
As an added bonus, I sat in the dark with two of my kids at two different times and we just talked. Esme and I got to talk about 6 year old stuff and I got to be present and hold her in the soft evening with the cool air mixed with the heat from the fire. Then after dinner I made Zoe go out with me because she was having a difficult time. She stormed out there and I brought two chairs and we just sat in silence for awhile. Eventually, as the sparks circled and zoomed up toward the dark sky, our words started to circle and buzz. We ended up having one of the most wonderful conversations of my life. My shins were on fire and my back was cold. The sparks would occasionally land on my bare legs because I just had a sweatshirt and boxers on – with muck boots of course. Religion, fate, the dichotomy of good and bad, the universe, books we read, people, the future, her future… I was alive tonight, I was real. It rained on us for awhile and we just ignored it. Now I’m left with that perfect feeling that cannot be talked about as good or bad, happy or sad. It’s simply perfect. I once described the feeling as the chilly glow after a perfect day and that’s as close as I can get to capturing where I am. Thank you, universe – I didn’t deserve such a gift, but I shall treasure it. Zoe asked me if I thought there was a higher power and I answered that I am pretty sure there is no bearded white guy “up there” – but that the mysteries of the universe are just so enormous that I am pretty sure there is something going on that is pretty difficult for humans to comprehend...
I don’t remember where the time went
Just the motion of the night
The moonless talk on burning stumps
A continual begin
I remember occasionally moving logs and chairs
And the burning of my shins
All else I simply felt
As something opened deep within.