Thursday, December 26, 2013

Jesus, what a year.

Ah, blog... my google therapist.  I am back for our yearly session.

My Triabetes mentor, John, called me tonight... its been 5.5 years since we finished ironman together hand in hand.  We both live in different states now, he has twins that are 2.5 yrs old, my own kids have grown from babies to pre-pubescent, Ashley was pregnant with Esme when we last saw each other... When talking about our lives now, its amazing how they have changed.  I didn't even have a chicken at that time... now I am building a scaffold to butcher our steer.  And we both now have a child with diabetes.  John called me because I had texted him to tell him that last night we had our worst diabetes scare with Adia.  She was awfully close to seizing.  That look.  That F...ing look where your child's eyes look right through you to some far beyond that you can't reach and no matter what you say, she can't hear you.  She could still swallow and Ash had honey down her throat in an instant while all I could do was hold her.  I've never had to be the one to act, I was always the one to be saved. And I never gave my parents, my wife, and my friends the gratitude that they deserved for having to look into my vacuous hypoglycemic eyes.  For what its worth, y'all - I am grateful now.

So I can honestly say that I have never had a year with such peaks and valleys.  On the surface, it looked like I had a stellar year - some serious education awards and a "save the world" mentality even made me believe that I had it all together.  Well, I didn't.  And I still don't.  However, if there is anything I am proud of this past year, its for that simple realization.  There's really a lot to add here but its not the stuff that should be posted on a blog.  Lets just leave it with this:  my eyes were like my daughter's last night.  I saw straight through the mirror that was supposed to reflect me.  (cue the Justin Timberlake mirror song here) And now that my eyes are able to focus, I see that the integrity I so believed in and craved my whole life can not be achieved without honestly looking at myself and coming to terms with the person I am.... not the story I always told myself. 

I owe a lot of people a debt that cannot be repaid in this lifetime... those who saw me, those who helped me, and those who were abandoned by me (some in my life fit all 3 categories)... and I know that for the most part, I will not be able to repay or repair.  All I know is that I plan on trying to live the rest of this life true and I will simply hope that there are other lives or universes where I can repay the debts that I have accumulated in this one. I shall wear the scars on my heart with acceptance.

Ashley, thank you for seeing me these last 20 years and for never giving up on me even when years went by where my eyes didn't really see you.  I truly love you.  I truly love our family... us, incarnate.  I welcome whatever path comes our way as long as we walk it together.

This sums it up I think - It should have been our Christmas card... Lice.  Which was rather horrible but we laughed our way through it.  The whole year was kind of like that.  I laughed, cried, raged at the universe, hurt those I love, found those I lost, lost myself, found myself, and finally, perhaps am on the road to accepting myself and seeing myself as the person I am... no superhero, just a human... that had lice.  (Which really isn't fair... if you have a bald spot, you should be immune from lice. Period:)
Our family's year in photos

Peace

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Birthday thoughts

So... I'm 40 now. Its not that big a deal - mentally I am still such a child, so body and soul average out to somewhere in the late 20's I think. Today was such a really good day - and it all centered around wonderful wonderful food. Here is quick run down - an early morning wonderful tiramisu followed by a wonderful second period chocolate chip cookie cake made by the special education students... a gift that included one of the best hugs ever and a great "happy birthday" song. My second period enjoyed the cookie cake like nobody's business. Truman brought me a surprise chocolate cupcake in 3rd... then lunch began with flan from Luis. Hoffman, Luis, Jose, and I shared an amazing prima Genoa salami and perfect Italian bread and we ended it with amazing Babycakes cupcakes from Jose and Luis and Scott. At home the feast continued - Ash had smoked salmon on crackers, Gouda, guacamole and blue tortillas, prosciutto and sweet peppers, a nice mocha stout, then steak and baked potatoes for dinner. Ash had to go to work but the girls and I soldiered on to warm brownies and ice cream. I have been on a steady drip of insulin and have actually been in pretty good control... bonus. The kiddos are gearing up for a birthday parade as I write this (and they are cleaning the kitchen... bonus again).

At school - I felt like a thousand kids dropped by to say happy birthday - that was nice.  And it was a beautiful day as well...

At home, each of the kids made a card for me and they each put a poem into it that they wrote themselves (they got help with spelling but not on composition...except maybe from each other) - here they are...

Zoe's Poem: (age 9)

Dear Dad you are the best,
come here and open this chest
of memories

Come swim,
take a dive,
 aren't you glad we're all alive?

We're all here so let's rejoice,
turn on the music,
lets hear your voice!

Adia's Poem: (age 5)

 You are as sweet as a flower,
and as lovely as a rose.
And I suppose
you should be glad
that you're MY dad

Esme's Poem: (Age 4)

 Happy Birthday, Dad.
 I'm so glad
 another year around the sun.


 One final thought - Zoe said to me tonight "Dad, you may not be my BFF, but you are my dad and my friend as well" ... well that just says volumes, doesn't it? And I thought I was the one getting old:)