Thursday, December 26, 2013

Jesus, what a year.

Ah, blog... my google therapist.  I am back for our yearly session.

My Triabetes mentor, John, called me tonight... its been 5.5 years since we finished ironman together hand in hand.  We both live in different states now, he has twins that are 2.5 yrs old, my own kids have grown from babies to pre-pubescent, Ashley was pregnant with Esme when we last saw each other... When talking about our lives now, its amazing how they have changed.  I didn't even have a chicken at that time... now I am building a scaffold to butcher our steer.  And we both now have a child with diabetes.  John called me because I had texted him to tell him that last night we had our worst diabetes scare with Adia.  She was awfully close to seizing.  That look.  That look where your child's eyes look right through you to some far beyond that you can't reach and no matter what you say, she can't hear you.  She could still swallow and Ash had honey down her throat in an instant while all I could do was hold her.  I've never had to be the one to act, I was always the one to be saved. And I never gave my parents, my wife, and my friends the gratitude that they deserved for having to look into my vacuous hypoglycemic eyes.  For what its worth, y'all - I am grateful now.

So I can honestly say that I have never had a year with such peaks and valleys.  On the surface, it looked like I had a stellar year - some serious education awards and a "save the world" mentality even made me believe that I had it all together.  Well, I didn't.  And I still don't.  However, if there is anything I am proud of this past year, its for that simple realization.  There's really a lot to add here but its not the stuff that should be posted on a blog.  Lets just leave it with this:  my eyes were like my daughter's last night.  I saw straight through the mirror that was supposed to reflect me.  (cue the Justin Timberlake mirror song here) And now that my eyes are able to focus, I see that the integrity I so believed in and craved my whole life can not be achieved without honestly looking at myself and coming to terms with the person I am.... not the story I always told myself. 

I owe a lot of people a debt that cannot be repaid in this lifetime... those who saw me, those who helped me, and those who were abandoned by me (some in my life fit all 3 categories)... and I know that for the most part, I will not be able to repay or repair.  All I know is that I plan on trying to live the rest of this life true and I will simply hope that there are other lives or universes where I can repay the debts that I have accumulated in this one. I shall wear the scars on my heart with acceptance.

Ashley, thank you for seeing me these last 20 years and for never giving up on me even when years went by where my eyes didn't really see you.  I truly love you.  I truly love our family... us, incarnate.  I welcome whatever path comes our way as long as we walk it together.

This sums it up I think - It should have been our Christmas card... Lice.  Which was rather horrible but we laughed our way through it.  The whole year was kind of like that.  I laughed, cried, raged at the universe, hurt those I love, found those I lost, lost myself, found myself, and finally, perhaps am on the road to accepting myself and seeing myself as the person I am... no superhero, just a human... that had lice.  (Which really isn't fair... if you have a bald spot, you should be immune from lice. Period:)
Our family's year in photos