Monday, September 7, 2015


don't you dare think I've forgotten
things I've said and done
promises I have broken
and the distance all have run
from a shining little star to
a glimmer in a pond
fishtails shimmer in my eyes
the come undone is done

moon she glides across the night 
my sole grips heavens dirt
she smiles upon the thieves in pain
and rips my favorite shirt
her calm chaotic steady stare
her presence ever there
she shines below the treeline
when the worlds weight she bears

so my life is not my own but I live inside it too
I am the sun I've always sought
when the moon's in view
I am the light on full moon night
(although I thought that that was you)

But I am you. 

I'm still the one.

and we are still the few.

but it's not night, there is no sun.
it seems our evening's day is dawn

your fishtails shimmer in my eyes
The come undone is done.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

At The Beach

We made it to Duke Marine Lab.  The drive was typical... long, hot, and sweaty.  But no one threw up, so that is a plus.  Once we left AHS parking lot, my eyes suddenly got really heavy and I wondered if it was because for the first time in many months I was somewhat done.  I couldn't work on the house, I couldn't worry about the trip, I couldn't even work on school stuff.

We took two buses and a van.  63 persons.  We made it here in time for dinner (10 hr ride) and then headed out to the coast for a night beach walk.  The ghost crabs were out and we had a great time walking through the surf and chasing those crabs like chickens.  This group is rather amazing.  Just filled to the brim with wonderful people.  People that I am grateful to have known, even if only for a week.  People that I will miss.

The next day we went to Beaufort and did the historical stuff - then to Carrot Island in the afternoon.  The water was wonderful and we all swam and wandered around the tidal flat for 4 hours.  The adults then got together to plan the next day - which was rather difficult.  We had four 2hr dredge trips, five 1hr kayak trips, and two 3hr trips to Fort Macon.  It took 3 hours to figure it out.  Then I realized a mistake I had made (the captain told me could do it in 3 trips).  So we all sat back out at the picnic tables and redid it.  11pm.  My mind was shot and Eric saved me.  It was humbling to not be able to figure something out and to need help and leadership.  Yesterday then worked out pretty well.  I did 4 kayak trips, one dredge trip... I was sweaty, salty, fishy, and dirty all day.  I barely made it to dinner and that was in soggy clothes.... cause then after dinner we went clamming.

We walked to the end of the road and crossed it into the estuary bog.  It was epic and sublime.... and slimy and wonderful.  The mud was silky smooth and creepy and the kids were squealing kids.  Every time someone found a quahog, the whole group cheered them like Norm walking into Cheers.  We found 95 clams and they are going to be served with dinner tonight.  I should have let these teenagers shoot off some fireworks (I would have thanked them) ... that would have made the evening perfect.

We walked back to the lab right before dark... along the way a student pointed out a snake that wasn't a snake... it was a glass lizard (legless)... I have only ever seen one before... so I tried to catch it and finally got it by the tail as it went under some bushes and brush.... I pulled and pulled and POP off came its tail wriggling like crazy.  So I jogged back to the group and handed it to a student with the line "can you hold this while I tie my shoe?"  The shriek could be heard for miles.  Eric and I ran back to the lab to beat the kids there because we all were going to jump off the swimming dock.... which we all did... in the last moments of the day.  The night drew to a close.  I finally got a shower around 9 pm.

I live a charmed life.  I tell the kids that experiences are what matters... that going clamming is about the feel, the smell, the way your emotions buzz.  I have had amazing experiences in my life.  I can't speak in terms of being happy or sad.  It has been full of highs and lows, pleasure and serious pain, lots of love.  It has simply been well worth the cost of the fare... if I can find the driver, I am going to thank her.

Wow.  I edited and added in what happened today.  Then I lost it.  Too sleepy to redo, so shortcut.  Kids went to the aquarium in the AM and Kim and I and William stayed back to shuck clams for dinner.  It was wonderful.  William had us rolling, Kim and I got to catch up, I laughed until I cried.

Shackleford Banks after lunch.  Bushwacked through the island to the ocean.  It was calm and serene.  The dunes that were there last year were gone, but the ocean was calm today.  Storms raged and will rage again but they didn't today.

We wrapped up the week and said our goodbyes.  We talked about what education should be and were grateful for this experience.  We were a family for a week and my heart hurts a bit to see them go.

Good Trip.  I feel like I have been barely hanging on for a long time and for the first time in a long time I can breathe... and maybe even sleep.  Goodnight.

We will close with Esme....

"cause we are a small boat... in the ocean...putting big waves into motion"....

Where are you?
and what do you need?
am I in there?
and how do you read this tale?

I carry you
a thousand miles
but I am carried by you
and the wind that blows between us

I thought that I did this for you
but as time blows by
I see that is not the case
I gave selfishly of my life

So that I could be part of yours