Past Midnight

Almost midnight, the Karate Kid is playing in the background.  My shoulder hurts like hell and wrecks my sleep most nights.  I just took 3 advil and came out to the couch to try to sleep.  Daniel-san has the same problem.  He is just now paint-a-fence.  Both side.  His shoulder gets destroyed too, but thankfully Mr. Miyagi is about to do the hand-clap shoulder fix.  If only...

I love how these kids looked like high school kids.  Not some 30 year-olds faking it.  Not to mention that the sport of choice was soccer.  The wisdom of the 80's.  If I don't get tired soon, I am going to have to break out the big guns.... St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, Dirty Dancing, and as a last resort, Pretty Woman.  Well color me happy, there's a sofa here for two.

I keep finding myself torn.  Part of me wants to just relax and fade into the background and just be.  To take time for myself and learn to fish and grow a great garden and make bread and butter.  The other part of me wants to make this school happen.  Why?  Is the universe really talking?  How many times have I listened?  I want there to be a voice out there, but perhaps its just my voice in here.  Maybe fishing is where one loses god.  Then finds her again.  What is it about throwing oneself at something you know is right but has essentially no probability of happening?  Is that a quality of genius or madness?  If it pays off, then great - genius.  However when it doesn't?

Doubt.  Are you healthy or dream poison?  If there was just some way to look back to now.  But there is not - so I suppose I will keep hoping for genius just a bit longer?  I don't know who to listen to anymore.

Maybe Mr. Miyagi can help one last time:

Aaaayyy!  Look eye!  Always look eye!

Addendum:  after I wrote this, a true leader in our school idea dropped out.  He thought that we had lost our focus or perhaps never had one, really.  Perhaps this is the beginning of the end.  If it is, then I predict I will never go down this path again.  I shall fade into the background live a life outside of education.  I so want change, but maybe thats the lesson - change happens at its own pace, not mine.  I am not ready to give up yet, but I feel pretty damn lost.  Tonight I feel like I lost a friend and that the sand of my dream is slipping through my fingers.

Its becoming a familiar feeling as I get older.  Perhaps this is how people face death after 8 or 9 decades.  Perhaps this how my next door neighbor allegedly committed suicide 7 days ago.


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