Teaching ... myself

Just writing to remember this. I don't usually wax poetic about riding a motorcycle - its always kind of been my way of getting around on good gas mileage. But I do love it and after moving 10 miles up a deserted gorgeous winding road, I love it more. This morning, the road was dry and it wasn't too cold, and that big ol' full moon was just right there. I left early because Es woke up early and I couldn't get back to sleep - so it was pitch dark and glorious. Blasted a great playlist and watched the moon weave back and forth in front of me through the trees. Singing at the top of my lungs, cold wind in my face, leaning around curves. Expansive. I love that feeling. I lose it too often.

Bette Davis Eyes comes on the radio as I am driving my two daughters back from picking berries. Esme has black raspberry all over her face but its just wonderful. The sun, the air, the dad time with his two daughters (the other one is backpacking with mom)... it was one of those moments where one loses oneself and becomes air and sun and music. I love those moments... I feel fully alive in those moments. Its all probably biochemical, but that's ok. Life and consciousness is overrated, I think. I know, PA....THETIC! (however, it was the grammy winning song and album of the year - 82 and ranks 15 on Billboard's top 100 - so, there) I can't help my crap taste in music and I simply claim it. I can't do much but be the person I am. Sure, its embarrassing.. but what isn't in this world?  Duran Duran Hungry Like the Wolf came on after and I almost cried :) So my oldest daughter is on the trail tonight with my wife. I dropped them off at Grayson Highlands and they are w...

I am finally done. Grant done. Greenhouse done. Time to take a breath.

2 days. 2 days and I am done. I have been running... ragged, mostly. I have not had time to face my life in years. In 2 days, we turn in our freaking $10 million grant and I will have our greenhouse... and therefore, our house, done. I am going to relax, I am going to fish, I am going to ride my bike, I am going to love, I am going to heal, I am going to say goodbye to my past and open a new chapter in my life. I will open this school, I will change jobs yet again, and I will find my balance and my pace. I have tried so hard these last years - but its been isometric. Its time to walk around the wall I have been pushing on and move forward again. I cannot fix my past, but I can come to terms with it and leave it the hell behind. Perhaps I will even leave this blog, my diary of sorts, behind for awhile. Maybe not. However, for now, its goodbye.

I think it really is going to happen. We've gotten a town to believe it.  We've gotten a superintendent to believe it.  We got a US senator on our side.  We have to convince a few principals next week and then that might actually be our last major hurdle.  The universe keeps smiling at us and pieces keep falling right into place.  We've kept quiet about it and will for a bit longer, but I am dying to tell you (the world) about it. We turn in the final section of our grant in a few weeks.  Its been 7 months full on.  The core group are all my dear friends.  Some dear friends have dropped out, but the ones still in are still all the way in.  Its been quite beautiful and win or lose, it will have been the best thing I have ever done in education.  If it doesn't succeed, I am ok to fade away and find balance in my life and leave the stress of what I do behind. The MRI showed that my shoulder has a full thickness tear in the rotator cuf...

We rented a skid-steer and removed the remains of the demolished house that has blighted this land for a long time.  We damn near killed ourselves but it was almost cathartic.  I was exhausted all week from our spring "break".  We also are getting ready for the high tunnel and have done some fun cutting of trees.  The video was done before the grading... thats too bad.  But its looking better now. This week, Esme wanted to fish so I bought her a pole and some tackle and she, Adia, and I started fishing.  I have been wanting to find some balance and I think I did.  Yesterday I caught my first fish ever on a fly rod and it was like the day I had been waiting for for years - the day that I would find myself eating a meal that I had provided for myself.  Seems simple and it is and was - but it was a milestone that passes like a live well lived... unexpectedly.  Tonight the 3 of us went out before dinner and made our way downriver.  Esme ca...

Almost midnight, the Karate Kid is playing in the background.  My shoulder hurts like hell and wrecks my sleep most nights.  I just took 3 advil and came out to the couch to try to sleep.  Daniel-san has the same problem.  He is just now paint-a-fence.  Both side.  His shoulder gets destroyed too, but thankfully Mr. Miyagi is about to do the hand-clap shoulder fix.  If only... I love how these kids looked like high school kids.  Not some 30 year-olds faking it.  Not to mention that the sport of choice was soccer.  The wisdom of the 80's.  If I don't get tired soon, I am going to have to break out the big guns.... St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, Dirty Dancing, and as a last resort, Pretty Woman.  Well color me happy, there's a sofa here for two. I keep finding myself torn.  Part of me wants to just relax and fade into the background and just be.  To take time for myself and learn to fish and grow a great garde...

You told me once that it was hopeless that life was the way it was You are never here and I am too you said that its.... just because Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You taught the masses everywhere but I never understood those words you said I'm sorry.   It doesn't matter now. I can't forget your eyes that night and the way you hang your head Life goes on and prophet saviors die but in the end we all retire... to our own bed Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You taught the masses everywhere but I never understood those words you said I'm sorry.   It doesn't matter now. If time would ever forget to fly you'd slow your car but still drive by Warm hands would touch my cold blue lips and you would know the way I died... without you Our soul lies on tracks that slaves laid down our ashes make the sunset red You ...

I cannot help but be proud of my kiddos.  Gawd, I love them.  We had a lot of snow days but only used this last one to get in our once-a-year ski trip in.  Esme seems to really love it and perhaps it will be something we will do together.  She might shred.  Either way, it is always just rather wonderful to have this yearly yardstick to have time throw its fish right in my face and to show me that no matter how hard I squeeze, I can't hold onto my children's childhoods.

Its a small thing, but a long time coming. Tonight I finally made a loaf of bread.  I have made lots of bread in the past, but this one was special.  I learned to keep a sourdough starter and take care of it, the starter came from the wonderful woman that we bought our cow from, I found a way to fit the process into my life and not vice versa, and I baked it in a wood cook stove using heat from a cherry tree that I knew.  It was extra sour and made with white flour, but it was still just right.  I even washed it down with a cold glass of milk from our new cow, Sissy. What an amazing life.  A few years ago on this very day, I knew true despair and hopelessness.  I still remember how the snow was a beautiful new armageddon laying over the world.  I still bear scars from that time, but they don't bleed anymore.  At the time I wondered if I would ever live again and now I wonder if I ever did before. I just turned 43 years old the oth...